Preventing Sibling Rivalry
I often have parents coming to me, desperate for ways to get their children to get along. “I know sibling rivalry is normal”, they might say, “but it is constant! My kids don’t even seem to like each other.” Much to my delight, more and more, I see parents thinking ahead before introducing their second child into the family. These expecting parents come to me asking how best to support their child in welcoming their new baby sibling into the family. What I’ve found in the research, in my own ongoing personal research experiment (aka my own 2 child family), and in working with these forward thinking parents, is that the most effective way to influence a strong sibling bond and decrease sibling rivalry is by strengthening the attachment between each child and their parent(s).
Why Attachment Matters
Attachment is the deep emotional, evolutionary bond that a child forms with their parent or caregiver. Children have an innate, biological need for connection and closeness with a caregiver. This connection serves as the foundation for the child’s sense of security and self-worth and as a template for future relationships. When children feel securely attached, they are less likely to feel threatened by the attention their sibling receives, reducing the urge to compete for parental love and approval. Conversely, if a child feels like a sibling is a competitor for the parents’ love, affection and resources, you will likely see an increase in sibling conflict.
Steps to Strengthen Attachment
One-on-One Time: Carve out regular, dedicated time for each child. This doesn’t have to be long or elaborate; even 10 minutes of focused attention can make a significant difference. During this time, let the child choose the activity and make it clear that this is their special time with you.
Validating Emotions: Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings, even when they express jealousy or anger toward their sibling. Instead of dismissing these emotions, help them understand that it’s okay to feel this way and offer comfort and support.
Modeling Healthy Relationships: Children learn by observing their parents. Show them how to express love, resolve conflicts, and communicate openly. When they see you handling disagreements calmly and respectfully, they are more likely to replicate those behaviors with their siblings.
When possible, avoid having different sets of rules for each child that are solely dependent upon age. For example, avoid forcing an older child to share with a younger child simply because the older child is “older and should know better”.
Encouraging Cooperative Play: Engage in activities that require siblings to work together rather than compete. Cooperative play, like building a puzzle or playing a game where they team up against you, helps them see their sibling as a partner rather than a rival.
Create an environment in which caregivers have the emotional resources to spare for all the children in the family. This can be extremely challenging in today’s society with many parents working demanding jobs, limited access to childcare and the pressure to include extracurriculars. Limit where you can to allow for parents to have the rest and respite needed to continue pouring into their children’s cups.
Overall
Strengthening your attachment with each child doesn’t just reduce sibling rivalry; it fosters a more harmonious and loving family environment. By focusing on building strong, secure bonds with your children, you create a foundation of trust and love that helps siblings view each other not as competitors but as companions.
Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict but to equip your children with the emotional tools they need to navigate their relationships with each other in a healthy and supportive way.
More questions about this topic or ideas about what you’d like to read about next? Reach out to me. www.therapywithsarah.org
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