I’ve seen and felt firsthand how relational poverty—defined as the lack of meaningful, supportive relationships—impacts people in general. However, parents of young children are disproportionately impacted by the dearth of supportive, more mature people in caregiving roles. Dr. Bruce Perry noted that in tribal times, the ratio of more mature individuals to each child was 4:1. Many modern day families are lucky to get a 1:1 ratio.
The Role of Relationships in Parenting
Parenting has traditionally been a communal effort. Historically, extended families and tight-knit communities played essential roles in caregiving of young children. Grandparents, aunties, uncles, elders, mentors, coaches, neighbors, and friends offered valuable input and resources to the family unit. These networks lightened the load for parents, providing both practical assistance and emotional support.
However, modern life often lacks these communal ties. Many parents live far from extended family and societal norms increasingly prioritize individualism over community. Add to this the isolation caused by work demands, technology-driven interactions, and societal expectations to “do it all,” and it’s no surprise that many parents are feeling the impact of relational poverty.
The Emotional Toll on Parents
When parents struggle to “do it all” without the resources necessary, their mental health suffers. They may experience heightened stress, feelings of inadequacy, anger, irritability, anxiety and depression. Exhaustion, frustration, and guilt become frequent companions, leading some parents to question their abilities.
Impact on Young Children
Children are deeply attuned to their parent’s emotional states. When parents are struggling, young children may notice and respond in various ways, such as becoming more clingy or acting out. While these behaviors are often attempts to secure reassurance, they can intensify parents’ feelings of inadequacy.
Moreover, children benefit from a “village” of relationships just as much as parents do. Interacting with a variety of caregivers and adults helps young children develop social skills, emotional regulation, and a sense of security.
Breaking the Cycle of Relational Scarcity
There is no quick fix for this one but here are some of my thoughts:
“Right-size” your expectations of yourself. No one person alone can do the bedtimes, the lunch packing, the diaper changing, the wiping of tears, the meal planning and everything else that goes along with parenting young children. Be gentle with yourself if you need to take shortcuts or just can’t do something that you feel like you should do.
Build your community. This one is much easier said than done. Building relationships, especially ones that are between your child and another adult, takes time, energy, and repetition. However, the more trusted and helpful people in your community, the more resourced your family is.
Focus on those quiet moments of connection with your child. There are countless small interactions between you and your child daily. No parent needs to be perfect. Pay attention to the times that you show up for your child in a way that is in alignment with your values. It could be a quick hug or slowing down to read a book.
Seek a mental health provider if you are experiencing anxiety that will not go away, depression or anger outbursts. There are plenty of us with lived experience that can support.
References:
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