Jul 233 min read

The Purpose of a Tantrum

Tantrums are a very common occurrence in early childhood; not so much in adulthood but if you’ve ever witnessed road rage, you know they still happen. However, just because tantrums are common does not mean that they are easy or fun to manage as a parent. For me, understanding the “why” of something difficult helps me keep my cool as it happens. If you are anything like me, read on.

Emotional Expression and Communication

As I tell my children, mommy has a job and so do they. Their job is to experience something new, have an emotional response, and learn. Our kiddos are constantly experiencing and feeling. However, one thing that is not constant is their ability to verbalize their experience and ask for what they need. Language skill development far lags behind the child’s capacity for symbolic thought, abstract thinking and reasoning. Without the words to describe what is going on for them, they communicate through behavior. When what is going on for them is a big feeling flooding their body, they communicate through a tantrum.

Development of Autonomy

A crucial piece of development for us all lies in the conflicting needs for togetherness and separateness, interdependence and independence. A toddler is learning that they are a separate person from their parents. They are working on the very skills that will support them in becoming an autonomous individual. Tantrums are evidence of the child learning this concept.

Coping Mechanisms and Social Learning

One way we learn is through observing what others model (so parents, be mindful of how you cope with frustration and anger). Another way is through trial and error. Through tantrums, children can experiment with different ways of managing big emotions. They also tantrums to better understand social boundaries and norms. The responses they receive from parents, teachers, caregivers, siblings, and peers help them understand which are okay ways of expressing big emotions and which ways are counterproductive. Consistent and compassionate responses to tantrums teach children about empathy, patience, and appropriate ways to express their needs and feelings.

Building Trust and Security

Finally, tantrums provide an opportunity for the child to strengthen their attachment with their caregiver. When a parent responds to a tantruming child with compassion, patience and the means with which to co-regulate, their child learns that even though their feelings are big and overwhelming, they are valid and can be contained by the parent. The parent is seen as a supportive, secure, safe and trust-worthy person. Even further, the child then internalizes this and can view themselves in this light even when their feelings feel too big to manage.

Strategies for Managing Tantrums

Here are some strategies that I use in my own parenting and often recommend to parents that I work with:

Self-regulate, Stay Calm and Patient: Model the behavior you want to see. Remaining calm helps de-escalate the situation and teaches the child that strong emotions are not scary things to be avoided. Stay with your child, getting down on the floor or at their level.
Acknowledge Feelings: Validate the child's emotions by acknowledging their feelings. Narrate what is happening. “You got very mad when your sister took your toy”. This helps them develop the capacity to name their own feelings.
Set Clear Boundaries: Consistent boundaries provide a sense of security. However, you don’t always need words to provide these boundaries. Depending on how escalated a child is, they may not be able to listen. Using your body to maintain a boundary also works such as standing between a child who is trying to hit a sibling or removing the TV remote from reach of a grasping hand.
Offer Choices: Empower the child by offering choices within acceptable limits. Give the child close-ended choices instead of open-ended ones. For example, “I hear you saying you want more snacks but you can’t have chocolate right now. Do you want strawberries or crackers?”
Reduce Stimuli: Noises and other sensory input can cause a child to escalate further. Turn down the TV or dim the lights. Reduce the amount of words that you are using. Take the child to another room if there is a lot of activity in the one they are in.